


Integral Self-Loathing

by HoloXam



Series: Holo Aroaces The Line 2021 [1]
Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: (to a degree), Angst, AroAceing the Line 2021, Aromantic Oscar Wilde (RQG), Asexual Oscar Wilde (RQG), Character Study, Double Drabble, Internalised aphobia, Self-Hatred, Sex-Favorable character, Sex-indifferent character, amatonormativity, can be read as, or something in between
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:49:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29655039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoloXam/pseuds/HoloXam
Summary: Oscar may be friendless, difficult and strange, but he may not be indesirable.Day 1:Pride-Doubt-Stars-White
Series: Holo Aroaces The Line 2021 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2179176
Comments: 12
Kudos: 32
Collections: AroAceing the Line





	Integral Self-Loathing

**Author's Note:**

> A day late, but inspiration grabbed me by the throat quite late last night, and I had to sleep on it. Please let me know if there is something else I should tag for here. 
> 
> Happy Aro Awareness week!

It’s not _desire_ that drives him to flirt, and it isn't the comfort of _intimacy_ that pushes him to seduce; it’s pride.

Pride, sharp and addictive, that drives him when he’s bored and naked; the intoxicating knowledge that here, he is _wanted._ Here, he is _useful._ That this indulgence makes him _better_ than everyone else, his detachment and the foul taste of hollowness a badge of twisted honour.

Spent and sweaty and hastily put together, he takes an ironic pride in his walk of shame, because people may not _like_ him, but he is, at least, fuckable. 

There is no intimacy in these conquests, only numbers. Only reputation.

After all, he would rather endure his self-inflicted misery taken with a straight face (ha), than the indignity of not being beautiful enough; Oscar may be friendless, difficult and strange, but he _may not_ be indesirable.

He may long for something idealised and unreal, an intensity of connection impossible to achieve, to be _worshipped_ beyond reason and capability; 

He may, at the end of the day, despise himself. 

But, at least, he fucks. 

And, if he fucks more than those who do not and never will respect him, has he not _won?_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> If you want to see more of me, I am on tumblr & twitter @ holoxam.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Integral Self-Loathing (podfic)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29675874) by [darlingsweet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingsweet/pseuds/darlingsweet), [HoloXam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoloXam/pseuds/HoloXam)




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